I really don't know where to begin today ...
When I went to Austin, I wasn't expecting things to shift so dramatically.
But *someone* flipped a switch in me, and I am now fully turned on and basking in my sexual energy. It feels very intense.
I mentioned this to him, and his response was not very helpful for dampening my erotic awakening:
"There is power in pleasure and surrender. I'm here to awaken your mind, ignite your body, make your temperature rise and your pussy perpetually aching and wet."
While at the same time ... I believe my last minute resistance (LMR) has become insurmountable until I'm in a fully committed relationship. Until I *know* beyond any doubt that I have found my holy relationship.
So the tension builds. Simultaneously, my sexual energy is escalating whilst I still remain abstinent. And this creates a powerful force for change in my life, a powerful force for becoming fully congruent with the deepest form of intimacy.
In fact, I've decided to turn this into a "sexperiment" (as Daria has called it on Rori's blog). My intention is to let my sexual desire get amped up as high as it can possibly go, but not act on it until I'm certain. This, I'm convinced, is the catalyst for creating my ideal relationship. A woman fully in her feminine energy as I am longs to be penetrated by a man (you can't even imagine how much!), but she is strong enough to wait until the man is offering her what she wants.
GS asked me yesterday what I mean by "continuity and longevity" in an intimate relationship. I have written about this before.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) promises that the holy relationship is permanent:
"Before your brother's holiness the world is still, and peace descends on it in gentleness and blessing so complete, that not one trace of conflict still remains to haunt you in the darkness of the night. He is your Savior from the dreams of terror. He is the healing of your sense of sacrifice, and fear that what you have will scatter with the wind, and turn to dust. In him is your assurance God is here, and with you now. While he is what he is, you can be sure that God is knowable, and WILL be known to you. For He could never leave His own creation. And the sign that this is so lies in your brother, offered you that all your doubts about yourself may disappear before his holiness."
ACIM also indicates that the holy relationship will be shared with others:
"Love, too, would set a feast before you, on a table covered with a spotless cloth, set in a quiet garden where no sound but singing and a softly joyous whispering is ever heard. 2 This is a feast that honors your holy relationship, and at which everyone is welcomed as an honored guest. 3 And in a holy instant grace is said by everyone together, as they join in gentleness before the table of communion. 4 And I will join you there, as long ago I promised and promise still. 5 For in your new relationship am I made welcome. 6 And where I am made welcome, there I am."
Incidentally, while in Austin, this guy said, "why don't we all three teach together?"
Again, this flipped a switch. Why only one man?
So this seems to lead me back to polyamory. It sounds like there is one guy who is my primary partner ... and, at the same time, I'm increasingly starting to envision a communal living and teaching situation, with multiple men and women all living and teaching together, and sharing themselves beyond the limitations of traditional couplehood.
What do you all think? I feel very awakened and enthusiastic contemplating this possibility, which leads me to believe that I'm heading in the right direction ...