More on How Much We Want Men to Be Men: Revisiting Chivalry

This is the second article in a series about Hristiyan's workshop that I participated in this past weekend.

I have written about chivalry before, and its importance to a feminine woman, and have been on the receiving end of much skepticism.

After Hristiyan's workshop, I am even more in touch with my feelings about this, and even more aware of the fact that I am only sexually attracted to men who are chivalrous. Let me tell you why.

We did an exercise during the workshop where the intention was for the man to find the place within himself to say a clear "yes" to his woman.

So each man in the workshop would approach me or Lisa (the other woman) and say "How may I serve you, my lady?" Hristiyan had already taught them that a man who is deeply connected with his masculinity wants to serve his woman. This is not about being submissive. This is about being the giving, protecting, masculine energy in a relationship.

So Lisa and I were allowed to ask for anything we wanted, and the man was to check in with himself and find the place inside where he could say a clear "yes" to what we were asking. Then Lisa and I were instructed to tell him how much we believed that he really meant what he said. This is something we could sense and feel in his vibe, in his voice, in his body language, etc.

One of the men had already deeply connected with me earlier in the workshop. He approached me, and I felt in his whole being, before he ever opened his mouth, how much he wanted to give to me as his woman. This felt so comforting. It opened up a space where I could feel relaxed about asking for what I truly wanted. There was no urge to hide myself.

So I said, "oh, I'm really hungry. And I'd love to go to that beautiful little romantic Italian restaurant that we both loved. Remember that one? Can we go there honey?"

And he took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, with his whole being, YES.

Now Hristiyan interjected and explained to the guys something along these lines:

"Now, after you've said yes to this, you go and make the restaurant reservation. You take care of the parking and all the logistics. That way, she can go run up to her room, get dressed up, put on her makeup, and feel feminine. She doesn't want to worry about that stuff. If you take care of it, she can surrender into her feminine energy and into the relationship with you."

Amen, Hristiyan. On an earlier post, someone commented that it wasn't the chivalry that matters to me as much as it is the guy's willingness to do something that I've said is important to me. And that is true. It's also true that it absolutely is not about the money. Even if I were married, and all of our money was in the same pot, I would still want my man to pay for everything on dates. I would still want him to take care of logistics.

What I realized at Hristiyan's workshop is that the chivalry thing really goes much deeper than many guys realize. We are not talking about a man being chilvrous in a needy, approval-seeking way (believe me, Hristiyan has no tolerance for men being needy and approval seeking). We are talking about a man being so in touch with his masculinity that he WANTS TO GIVE to his woman. It makes him feel like a man. It allows her to be a woman. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes there is no loss in giving, only gain. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes that a woman can only surrender to him completely if he is willing to take care of those aspects of the relationship. And at some deep subconscious level that most people have lost touch with, he realizes that she will be FAR MORE SEXUALLY RESPONSIVE with him because she trusts him. Without trust, there can be no full surrender.

What was really fascinating in the workshop was to see what happened when "bigger" requests were made. For example, Lisa asked this:

"John, I know you're only 22, but I'm ready to have a baby, and I really want to have a baby with you. Can we do that?"

The guy paused, checked in deep within himself, and ultimately said YES. And the entire room believed him. Later, he told us he had felt an initial hesitation but that when he was in touch with that masculine core, he was able to say an authentic yes.

And isn't that the kind of world we want to live in? A world where a man is so confident and centered and in touch with their masculine, giving energy, that he wants to give his woman everything. As Hristiyan asks them, over and over again in the workshop, "Would you die for her?"

So this is what I look for in men. Is he giving in bed? Is he willing to be chivalrous? Do I believe him when he says yes? Do I understand him when he says no? (Lisa and I found, as women, that we were able to hear a man say "no" to our requests if we could sense that he really wanted to give us what we had asked for but that in that moment his desire to serve us was being trumped by his need to be on his path.) Does this man care about my happiness? Can I trust him? Can I surrender to his masculine energy? Does he have what it takes to lead me?

At a subconscious level, these are the questions that a woman is always asking herself. For me to feel safe in a relationship, the man needs to lead consistently. He needs to hold space for my feelings rather than arguing with them. He needs to be developed enough as a man that he is giving to me for the sheer pleasure of giving, and not with the worry of what he is going to get in return.

Of course, he will receive plenty in return. He will be with a woman who feels liberated to be her most feminine, radiant self. She will inevitably give back in many other ways (most men, for example, would be financially better off with me as their partner than without me -- money is not and never has been the point of all this). And she will be turned on by him, and she will trust him and feel safe with him.

It's so challenging to describe all of this in a blog post. I wish every one of my blog readers could have participated in this workshop. Then it would be easy to see that asking for chivalry is not about "taking advantage" of men. It's about creating and living in a world where the divine masculine and feminine energies have space to play.