I responded to his comment and then realized this actually deserves its own post.
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How does celibacy serve me now?
It's helping me become congruent.
The next guy I have sex with I fully expect to give me a 100% reliable lifetime commitment. I take ownership for that by saying no to sex with any man who's not offering me that with complete conviction (and of course it needs to be mutual -- we choose each other).
From ACIM: "Do you want freedom of the body or of the mind? For both you cannot have."
I choose freedom of the mind, it is the only real freedom.
I'm not interested in "sex for fun." Because uncommitted sex isn't fun for me. It's painful. I'm interested in sex as an expression of deep, permanent connection and intimacy.
Men who are not offering what I want may as well not even try with me. They won't get anywhere. And yes the decision to be with me permanently must be made beforehand. This "let's just see what happens" is bullshit and a recipe for chaos and pain. It is an expression of incongruence and uncertainty, and it always leads to pain.
I look at how men live their lives. If a man is living his life incongruently, and for example, has left a trail of pain behind him, I am not attracted to him. He has a lot of work to do on himself before he will have the capacity to be a good partner. I used to be attracted to men like that because they mirrored me, but now the attraction to pain is gone.
When I am fully congruent, the man who comes to my doorstep will be congruent also. Our love for each other will be so certain that there will be no doubt.
I am waiting for that certainty, because in certainty there is no pain. Certainty is achieved through congruence. Congruence is achieved by erasing every doubt about oneself. When it is fully achieved, there is no pain and only joy.
That is how abstinence serves me.
29 comments:
I'm sad you have yet to meet a man strong enough to overcome the fear you've acquired for men in general.
Again, I appreciate the concern for my well-being but I hear a lot of assumptions in your statement. I would feel more seen if you ask me questions rather than interpret.
I'm not sad for Erika... she is a self assured woman and I admire her steadfastness in finding the right man that suits her.
This is very interesting. I have a few questions:
1.) So you're saving yourself for marriage?
2.) Would you be open to a committed relationship that includes sex for pleasure, but doesn't have the pre-determined "permanent" aspect?
In my opinion, you really do have to "see what happens" if you plan to grow together and find out if you are truly compatible with your partner.
3.) In the future, do you want to have kids?
Thanks in advance.
-Juan Force
What is you felt that way about someone and then the sex turned out to be horrible? Would you still have a life long commitment?
Anonymous 4:53 pm,
Certainty does not come from the outside.
It comes from the inside.
"The next guy I have sex with I fully expect to give me a 100% reliable lifetime commitment. I take ownership for that by saying no to sex with any man who's not offering me that with complete conviction (and of course it needs to be mutual -- we choose each other)."
This sounds all fine and good. What happens when he honestly agrees and puts all that forward, and then decides later on that he changed his mind? Or you do?
People change their minds.
SMoKeLioN,
Once that level of congruence is achieved, he could only change his mind if I changed mine.
Minds are joined. Only ego distortions prevent us from seeing this at all times. This is why the more clearing out we do of the debris the more psychic we become.
" T-22.VI.14. This is the function of your holy relationship. 2 For what one thinks, the other will experience with him. 3 What can this mean except your mind and your brother's are one? 4 Look not with fear upon this happy fact, and think not that it lays a heavy burden on you. 5 For when you have accepted it with gladness, you will realize that your relationship is a reflection of the union of the Creator and His Son. 6 From loving minds there is no separation. 7 And every thought in one brings gladness to the other because they are the same. 8 Joy is unlimited, because each shining thought of love extends its being and creates more of itself. 9 There is no difference anywhere in it, for every thought is like itself.
T-22.VI.15. The light that joins you and your brother shines throughout the universe, and because it joins you and him, so it makes you and him one with your Creator. 2 And in Him is all creation joined. 3 Would you regret you cannot fear alone, when your relationship can also teach the power of love is there, which makes all fear impossible? 4 Do not attempt to keep a little of the ego with this gift. 5 For it was given you to be used, and not obscured. 6 What teaches you that you cannot separate denies the ego. 7 Let truth decide if you and your brother be different or the same, and teach you which is true."
Any thought to my previous questions? You're losing a potential customer here.
Juan,
I feel extremely annoyed when people use threats "You're losing a potential customer here" to attempt to get their way (answering of questions). My willingness to answer personal questions has nothing to do with my coaching, and you have crossed a boundary with me here.
I would feel much more open to answering your questions if you said something along the lines of "I feel sincerely curious about this article and feel disappointed that I didn't receive a response. Would you be willing to answer my questions?"
You're 120% right. Thank you for pointing out my wrongs.
Peace and love,
Juan Force
hey Juan Force,
Thanks for your response. To me, it's not about right and wrong. It's about what feels good and what doesn't, and honest communication.
Re your questions, I'm waiting for a permanent relationship.
"Once that level of congruence is achieved, he could only change his mind if I changed mine. "
Then by that token, wouldnt it be the case that you wouldn't be able to change your mind unless he did?
Its a catch 22. And saying that you'd both change your minds on things simultaneously at a certain point in time... that seems unrealisted.
His mind and my mind are One.
"You who hold your brother's hand also hold mine, for when you joined each other, you were not alone. ... You will not separate. For I stand with you and walk with you in your advance to truth. And where we go, we carry God with us."
When two minds are joined as one for the salvation of the world, they don't change their mind about each other.
Faith. Prophecy. Salvation.
This is kind of unrelated, but reading a bunch of posts on here, I'm wondering, for Erika and those that favor polyamory, how is it not the most threatening thing in the world? How do you see the person you care about indulging in sexual activity with another person without you, personally, feeling threatened and jealous and diminished? I just feel really confused and have the hardest time getting my head around that concept.
good luck getting 100% commitment from the pua gurus. why dont u try eharmony... u might better luck there!
"His mind and my mind are One."
How can you prove this?
Hi Erika,
I'm intensely interested in your decision with regards to this article. I have recently come to a very similar decision for myself. I was a little surprised at some of the comments, but then I realized they are the same kinds of things I hear when I discuss this with my friends. I wish there was more support for women who choose to stop having sex until they make a life-long commitment, because it is the most empowering choice I can think of in this crazy, painful world of casual sex.
I feel angry when I get so much resistance and so little support. Where are the like-minded women? Where are the like-minded men? And where were all the nay-sayers when my heart was broken over and over? This is a solution that actually makes sense. But because it challenges belief systems, much of the feedback is negative. Imagine if this became the 'norm'; imagine that women all over the world began to own their sexual power... the world would look like a very different place. To tell you the truth - I feel a paradigm shift coming in through this door. Perhaps with as much dimension and force as the sexual revolution of the '60s & '70s,(which by the way, I see in no way as an opposing stance, but rather as a part of our sexual evolution, just as the next big shift will also be a part of it.)
Personally, I have come to this decision through a lot of pain, and many years of what I now consider casual sex, even though most of it took place in the context of multiple exclusive relationships. I never had a great desire to be married and have kids, and I've led a fairly unconventional life, but now I see how lacking that desire has not served me well - it made it ok for me to continue to approach relationships and sex in a casual way, and now I find myself, after years of repeating the same patterns only to find heartbreak at the end of another road, at the place where I want something very different for myself.
It is a decision to treat myself better, to honor my sexuality, my feminine power, and my body. I woke up one day and my first thought was "the next person I have sex with will be the person I make a life-long commitment to". I really liked the sound of that because instead of the creaky old "saving myself for marriage", which I could never see myself uttering, it had the ring of authenticity. And it was an *I* statement, rather than the other dreaded 'ultimatum' types of *you* statements, ("I'm not having sex with you until you put a ring on my finger" - ugh! never!)
So, I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts about this with you. I'm also interested in your "congruity" ideas. I'm not familiar with ACIM except for a skim here and there. Is that where the idea of congruity stems from for you? I'd love to know where to read more of your thoughts on this blog, or should I just look around and find what I can..?
Peace!
Deirdre
Deirdre,
I only have a moment right now because I'm off to Burning Man but thank you SO MUCH for commenting. I hope you will return and continue to share your much-needed perspective around here. I have many thoughts to share about what you wrote when I return....
SMoKeLioN,
Because it's obvious. Look, when the mind becomes clear, as mine is, I can often predict the exact words that are going to come out of someone else's mouth. My thoughts are simultaneous to theirs. It's OBVIOUS that our minds are joined. Only the ego refuses to see this.
Anonymous,
I've already got PUA gurus wanting to marry me. So think again. In fact, I've had many "players" who have wanted to marry me despite never having sex with me. Deep down, at a subconscious level that's connected to a higher truth, my abstinence seems to be VERY appealing.
"SMoKeLioN,
Because it's obvious. Look, when the mind becomes clear, as mine is, I can often predict the exact words that are going to come out of someone else's mouth. My thoughts are simultaneous to theirs. It's OBVIOUS that our minds are joined. Only the ego refuses to see this."
Saying that its the case bc its obvious is ridiculous. Such is not an explanation. Logic 100 here...
Furthermore,
Foresight from experience with someone is not the same as having our minds as one.
If I can imagine the answer a math prof is about to write on the board just before he writes it, is that proof that our minds are one? No. Its proof that I have sufficient experience with math and its use to figure out a likely answer that is. in that case, correct.
Also, Arguing for or against simultaneous thoughts is pointless as well.... until we reach a level where thoughts can be accurately measured and observed by a 3rd party.
I think its the ego that refuses to accept that some parts of your course of miracles is helpful, yet despite that, apparently not all of it is rooted in reality as opposed to myth.
so....after all this learning and observation of the PUA society....and you're exactly back at the mindset of scarcity that most women dangle in front of men like a carrot.
sex is just the thing going back and forth between your legs... lol!
for a spiritual chic that reads acim, you sure seemed to have a lots of attachments to sex. i thought acim says there really isnt meaning in anything including sex. are you practicing what you are preaching? think you are making way too much of it? just go and enjoy the thingy between your legs once in awhile.... who cares in the grand scheme of things...what's the big deal.
are you going to be abstinent for the next 10 or 20 years waiting for perfect pua guru to give you 100% commitment? what you really want to do is to lock up somebody forever? where's the unconditional piece of your argument? you might need to re-read that part in acim... lol! cant help myself busting your balls a little ;)
Marquis and Anonymous 2:39 pm,
Do you see how you are projecting here rather than taking responsibility for your own stuff.
With Marquis' comment, it sounds like feelings of "not good enough" when a woman says no to sex, rather than being curious about what is alive in her that would motivate her decision -- and asking rather than assuming.
The result on my end is feeling very unseen and unheard.
This is why non-violent communication is so important. We take responsibility for our own stuff by saying "I feel ______ when I see _________ because my need for __________ is not being met."
Example: I feel frustrated when I read your comments because my need for people to take responsibility for their own stuff and stop blaming, assuming, and criticizing is not being met.
Anonymous at least is asking some questions rather than just flat-out assuming, but notice all the assumptions in the questions, and what I pick up (though I'm open to him telling me his actual experience) is that reading my post triggered a lot of discomfort for him/her as well.
Erika,
you wouldnt have pain if you had no attachments to sex. you had certain expectations associated with sex and when expectations were not met, you felt pain. ask yourself if you are directly from source, is there such a thing as pain? is source judgement-free, guiltless, attachment free, and completely unconditional? you decide for yourself.
even tapping those meridian pts missy :)
Anonymous 12:40 pm,
From my perspective, saying something like "attachment free" is taking the easy way out.
There is a reason why many spiritual traditions frown on casual sex. To many of us, it feels empty and disconnected.
It's easy to say "well, just don't expect anything, then you won't be disappointed," but then my response is "why bother with that kind of sex at all then?" Thus my abstinence.
We do not expect too much from our relationships. We expect far too little.
My work is about transmuting old energy patterns that don't serve us (such as emotional disconnection during casual sex) and reprogramming ourselves for true intimacy, trust, and fulfilment.
if you keep tapping those pts, you will be guiltless, attachmentless, and judgement free ;) lol!
hey every relationship serves a divine purpose even though you seemed to be bitching about your fling with entropy. so what both of you got off! what's the big deal? you both enjoyed it right... lighten up kiddo! one reason you feel pain is the thought of him sticking his thingy in others bothers you. truly ask yourself and be honest. does that thought bother you? if it does, then it is your issue. so what if he does? that's what pua gurus do or just many men in general.
you should be able to look at any situation no matter what it is and see it as just an experience in life. no more no less. if you make any more of any experience, then it is you who has attachment to that experience which will only cause your own misery and suffering. take it for what's worth.
actually sit with my response this time rather than just reacting. even meditate on it or even tap it out before responding. it may do you some good. i as well as others do want you to succeed. if you truly grab the essence of this msg, you will be light years ahead of other life coaches :)
Anonymous,
I appreciate your concern for my well being, but I don't enjoy being preached at. Your comment feels quite condescending to me, and like a lot of projection. It sounds like you may be preaching at yourself, in a form of language that I call "the poison of positive thinking." (i.e., where we think we "should" be detached but we're really not -- it comes from the logical brain and does not work as a coaching practice).
I don't actually care about him sticking his "thingy" in others, my dear. I do care about being heard and seen and understood. I do care about transmuting destructive patterns so that they come to an end.
Perhaps it would be helpful for you to stop focusing on "fixing" me and start taking responsibility for whatever feelings are being stirred up in YOU that are prompting you to attempt to fix me. I don't see any of what I'm writing as "bitching," and I'm curious what is triggered in you that you characterize it that way.
Around here, we practice non-violent communication, and that means not judging or fixing others but rather focusing on communicating our own experience honestly and taking responsibility for our own stuff. My request is that you begin to do that.
www.cnvc.org
I feel _________ because when I see __________ my need for ________ is not being met.
I feel frustrated reading your comments because my need for people to take responsibility and not point the finger at others is not being met.
Help me heal the world by focusing on yourself, please. Thank you.
Life is uncertain, death is certain.
"Brother, there is no death. And this you learn when you but wish to show your brother that you had no hurt of him. He thinks your blood is on his hands, and so he stands condemned. But it is given you to show him, by your healing, that his guilt is but the fabric of a senseless dream." - ACIM
"Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead because you made sickness and death yourself, and can therefore abolish both. 2 You are a miracle, capable of creating in the likeness of your Creator. 3 Everything else is your own nightmare, and does not exist. 4 Only the creations of light are real." - ACIM
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